To: You (Many Years Later)

sometimes, we meet again in my dreams.

like i’m preparing for the moment 

i bump into you in our hometown,

at the gas station on the corner.

or at the light hanging in the

middle of the intersection

between 

you and i.

i wake up hoping we turned out

differently than in reality. because 

18 year old me held on too

tight, i didn’t let you breathe,

thinking it was all for love.

so my mind writes and rewrites

a script for me to memorize.

to somehow say “I’m sorry”

again after all these years.

not to relieve myself of guilt,

but to remind you that 

i loved you dearly,

that i still think about you

from time to time,

that i still roll over our

last moments in my head

like it was yesterday,

that i would take it back

so you can think of me fondly

like i do of you.

sometimes, i have to remind myself it’s just a dream.

i can stop bracing myself for an encounter

with you, because our chapter is done.

i can’t rewrite it, no matter how much i want to.

i’m 21 now and still 

learning from you.